I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
bring money and cleavage
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
