The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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