I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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