It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
