So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
