and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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