I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
