I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
