I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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