Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
