He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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