if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
