I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
