Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Randomize
