the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
