my phone needs a breathalizer
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
