dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
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