i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
