Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
