Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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