My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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