My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
If I die, sorry about rent.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
