At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
