by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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