roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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