he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
