he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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