I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Randomize
