My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
