he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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