I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
