Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
