If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
