the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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