He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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