I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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