tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
