the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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