some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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