my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
