y did u give ur computer a hand job?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
