hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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