I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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