So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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