He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
