I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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