i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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