in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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