He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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