There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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