omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
ttyl tear gas
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
