just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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