final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
