Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
