so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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